To honor the transition of 2024 into 2025, I spent six days at a Buddhist monastery practicing mindfulness and meditation. Deer Park Monastery, one of Thich Nhat Hanh’s monasteries, is nestled in the mountains above Escondido, California. I have long studied Buddhism in an informal and indirect way. Recently, my partner has been called to study its teachings more formally, so I have joyously strapped myself in for the ride.
Arriving at Deer Park, I was pleasantly surprised by the expanse of the grounds woven seamlessly into nature. As the week unfolded, the surprises continued. The constant reminders to be grateful, the periods of silence that created a full-body sigh of relief for this introvert, the early-to-bed and early-to-rise schedule, the walks in nature, the genuine smiles on faces, and the in-depth look at topics like love, personal accountability, and relationships were all right up my alley.
Mid-week, people started talking about The Five Mindfulness Trainings, which I had never heard of. I came to learn that they “represent the Buddhist vision for a global spirituality and ethic.” They are five commitments or guidelines to practice mindfulness, compassion, and understanding. They aren’t hard rules to follow but rather a path to cultivate a more healthy and compassionate world.
After hearing about them, I read through them all. While I was on board with most of it, a couple of things caught my eye. The first was “no killing.” This explained why they served so much tofu here and people’s bellies were rumbling with gas. Plants are life though, and avoiding killing is impossible. I moved on, however, because I think I understood what they were striving for.
The rest of the trainings felt great to me, except for True Love, the one that pertains to sexual integrity. Several items in this training didn’t sit right with me. Then, during a Dharma talk, one of the monks mentioned that it is their practice to gather every 15-20 years to rewrite these trainings based on scientific research and the evolving world. I left that talk and went straight to my notebook, writing a letter about some of the issues I had with their teachings. I didn’t know how I’d get it into their hands, nor if they’d ever read it, but I needed to try.
In my dharma group led by a nun, I brought up that I, as a sexuality professional, felt uncomfortable with some aspects of this training. We didn’t have much time to talk about it, but the nun did remind me to “not mistake the finger for the moon,” a Zen phrase meaning not to confuse a guide with the destination. I understood what she meant, and this gave me more compassion and less anger for the way the training is currently written. I understand that we are all doing the best with the information we have and that when we know better, we can do better. A few days after arriving home, I received a message from this nun asking for my input on The Third Mindfulness Training.
The following is The Third Mindfulness Training as currently written and then my letter to Sister Hu’ong Nghiem:
True Love
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without mutual consent, true love, and a deep, long-term commitment. I resolve to find spiritual support for the integrity of my relationship from family members, friends, and sangha with whom there is support and trust. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are interrelated, I am committed to learn appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and to cultivate the four basic elements of true love – loving kindness, compassion, joy, and inclusiveness – for the greater happiness of myself and others. Recognizing the diversity of human experience, I am committed not to discriminate against any form of gender identity or sexual orientation. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.
My letter to Sister Hu’ong Nghiem:
Dear Sister Hu’ong Nghiem,
I sit with warmth and gratitude in my heart as I write to you. Thank you for inviting my perspective on The Third Mindfulness Training: True Love. Since our last meeting, I have read and contemplated the training extensively.
I appreciate your reminder to look at the moon and not the finger, and your explanation that these words aim to provide a safety guardrail for practicing True Love. While this training has undoubtedly helped many, I would like to respectfully suggest some adjustments that might help it better serve its purpose.
The phrase “I am determined to not engage in sexual relations without… a deep, long-term commitment” presents some concerns. Prescribing that all sexual relationships must exist within long-term commitments, or that this is an ideal to strive for, inadvertently shames those who will never experience a long-term relationship, whether by choice or circumstance. These people can still practice and achieve integrity in their sexual relationships.
Such prescriptive ideals might also inadvertently encourage young people to remain in unhealthy relationships. This idea, like suggesting all people must be male or female, or only engage in heterosexual relationships, doesn’t reflect the diversity of human experience.
In my professional experience, rigid relationship prescriptions often lead to internalized shame. To clarify, guilt is a healthy emotion to feel when we’ve done something wrong. Shame is when that becomes internalized into “I am wrong”, and this is very detrimental to individual and societal well-being. People are working hard to reprogram sexual shame for themselves. Some become crippled under this shame that all too often comes from messages that what is natural/human is wrong/bad.
The four basic elements of true love can be experienced in consensual sexual engagements of any duration. These connections can be valuable, sacred, and conducive to personal growth and healing.
Secondly, regarding the phrase “Sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others,” I respectfully disagree with the use of the word “always”, and would like to propose a “middle way”.
In my work, I understand very well that the cravings for sexual satisfaction can get out of control and lead to unhealthy, harmful behaviors and misconduct. But natural, human sexual desires aren’t to blame for this, as much as hunger isn’t to blame for over-eating. Sexual activity motivated by craving may cause harm which is why we must continue to “learn appropriate ways to take care of our sexual energy.”
Sexual desire and connecting with another because of that desire can be incredibly healing for all involved. Sexual desire can lead to making decisions that are the most loving for one’s self and their body. This is especially true if all parties are in integrity, practicing consent, and the four elements of True Love.
Perhaps, it would be helpful here to point to greed or to being out of integrity as a problem, rather than towards one’s innate sexuality.
Finally, I suggest changing “relationship” to “relationships” in “I resolve to find spiritual support for the integrity of my relationship.” This small but significant change would be inclusive to all relationships, including those practicing various forms of ethical non-monogamy, aligning with our commitment to non-discrimination in matters of gender identity and sexual orientation.
Thank you for considering these perspectives on clarifying The Third Mindfulness Training. I welcome the opportunity to participate in any future discussions on this topic.
-Melissa L Hite
This was her response to my letter:
We have received your suggestions with regards to the wording of the third Mindfulness Training and will include with others’ suggestions in future discussion. May 2025 bring you, your family and friends continued well-being, much inner peace plus many daily moments of happiness and laughter, Melissa, and Happy Lunar New Year!
